I've Tried Ringing You....

Typically, my best intentions to say lots have been scuppered by work commitments, but I should improve soon. For now, I thought I'd pass on part of an e-mail that nearly amused me from good ol' Virgin Media, formerly ntl, now "the UK's first quadplay provider" of digital TV , broadband, phone and mobile services. You would think that would mean they knew a bit about communications.

My Virgin landline phone service has been out for over a week now(!), which has been fun in the run up to Christmas. I first reported the fault by e-mail because the fault is that my phone line doesn't work. I realise that's a complicated concept, the fact that I can't use the phone when the phone is dead. Virgin's eventual response started, "I'm just writing in reply to an email you've sent us regarding the loss of your telephone service. I've tried ringing you for a chat about this but can't seem to get hold of you."

Aren't they sweet, if not very quick to grasp these technical matters. The message ended by asking me to telephone a number to make an appointment for a technician.

Yes, I know I could borrow a neighbour's phone, but in London many of us wouldn't impose on people we generally only nod to when we pass in the street, and working in London means my close friends are spread around the home counties and not easily accessible, nor would I want to run up someone's bill ringing Virgin's call centre on the other side of the world. And my old-fashioned love of a peaceful life with no desire for people to be able to reach me anywhere at any time means I only have a pay-as-you-go mobile (usually switched off) that needs topping up and could never afford to spend an hour listening to a recorded message of someone saying how much she values my call and that they're very busy but please hold.

When I finally got to my office, I was able to make the appointment only after said call centre spent an age (once I reached a human) politely trying to suggest the fault was mine until I swore on my great-aunt's grave and promised to hand over my first born if I were wrong, which I wasn't. So now my week of feeling like I was in one of those old horror films where the phone line to the house is cut before the scary villian breaks in....is over. And I feel free and safe again.

Virgin's reaction, though friendly in their e-mail, opens a whole world of possibilities in customer service. Perhaps next we'll come across a motor insurer that refuses to honour your claim that your car was totalled when it flipped over a cliff and burst into flames....unless you drive it into their garage to be examined. Perhaps that's happened to you.....

Letterman Returns to the UK

Despite the myriad complaints I have about ntl/VirginMedia, and how I wish that rather than spend a fortune on Uma Thurman’s attempts to lure innocent young men blindly to their Dark Side, they’d put that money into providing even a modicum of customer service, I can applaud them for one thing: recently giving us DivaTV. It almost makes up for the channels that we’ve lost. DivaTV (Ch 192) appeared on my wishlist not because I have some talk show fixation; I assure you I gladly bypass all of them, despite having occasionally glanced at Oprah in the past. (Her programmes are loathsome when they fawn over some Hollywood star, but are great when they teach you something, like how to survive a plane crash or an encounter with a grizzly bear—the latter being either to play dead or to climb a tree; I can never remember which is grizzly bear and which is black bear, and hope I figure it out before the worst happens…..).

Nay, the diamond in Diva’s crown is the Late Show with David Letterman, which has been absent from these shores for far too long. I can barely control my elation at being exposed again to the hilarious Top Ten Lists and Stupid Pet Tricks, never mind so many wonderful musical guests and the great Paul Schaffer. These programmes are about a month old when shown on Diva, which is disappointing, particularly as I used to gain my knowledge of American current events from Letterman's monologues, but I am too thrilled by the return of this fine man and his cohorts to mind too much. Diva shows the Late Show at the early time of 9pm, but then I tend to fall asleep earlier after a hard day at work so I can deal with that.

We’re terrifically lucky to have the opportunity to see him again in the UK (weeknights at 9pm), and I continue to be thankful that Letterman has survived some serious health scares (an emergency quintuple bypass in 2000—when the likes of Bill Cosby guest-hosted--and a dreadful case of Shingles in 2003, when even Elvis Costello guest hosted, but stiffly). My fondness for Letterman runs deep; I’ve practically grown up with him, and I remember trying to convince my freshman year college roommate of his merits back when he was known for more acerbic, confrontational and sarcastic interviews. I even mentioned him in my father’s eulogy as they always reminded me of each other. I thank goodness I can see one of them every night again; I wish I could say more.

[Sadly, Diva dropped David Letterman not long afterwards, so I'm in the devastated position of being Letterman-less again. And there's no point in watching DivaTV.]